Maybe i am thinking too much or getting ahead too quick. But i have chosen this path and i should accept my fate. If i screw up, so be it. Apologize and move on.

I have no time to cry over spilled milk.

Clean it up and put the bottle back. Everytime when i am met with failure, it hurts my pride and ego. But somehow i have gotten used to it. I have accepted my fate.

My failures, failed PSLE, failed Mother tongue, failed A Maths, failed relationships, failed in my occupation.

FAILURE! FAILURE! I am damaged goods.

People driving big cars. Taking cabs during peak periods. Flying 1st class. Envious? So what?

I am valued at this state, so i should appreciate it and work harder. Admit that i deserved this. I chose this way of life.

If i want a better life, then give it a good fight, try and try and try again. There is a chance that i will be trying for the rest of my entire life.

When it ends. Well at least i can tell Him. I have done my best. You gave me the opportunity and well… at least i can present to you only life experiences and nothing more. My life is filled with it. Just like this journal. Capturing intrinsic parts of my life.

MY LIFE WORK. MY TREASURE. It may not yield me material wealth well but at least it has given me wealth through experiences.

School of hard knocks, is what gives me the goal to wake up everyday.

I want to make mistakes and i want to learn.

MAD MAD MAD! But i like being crazy. It gives me relief.

Cheers to a mad life.


Education has always been a intriguing thing for me. Especially more so for where i lived.

It is an indicator for the social economic status of oneself. It may somehow determine one’s livelihood. It is so crucial that everyone tries their best to attain good accreditation. Best universities, scholarships etc.

So then how can one put in their very best to change their current situation? If they are deemed not intelligent enough? How does one still continue to strive for greater achievements.

What does achievement mean to you?

Recently i had an interest to learn more about learning. Being in the education system for well over 20 years and comparing my current social status, it tells me that there is a disconnect. Despite me attaining the necessary accreditation, i can still be deemed as a failure. To make matters worst, everyone seems to have the same accreditation regardless of the institution.

I was told just last week that we are reversing back to the old days where everyone who was uneducated, is all back part of the rat race; Degrees are now common fair and no longer a paper where only the ‘smartest are able to attain. With the proliferation of the internet, it just escalates the situation.

Hence with the lack of differentiation in terms of accreditation, how does one become more visible and more credible then the other.

1. Study harder to get better grades?

2. Just accept one’s fate and just ride alone.

3. Look to other options.

Education is a joke after 20 years. Yes this is my life now. Stuck in the middle. 20 over years of hard studying and i end up with a mediocre life. Some people tell me that i should be contented and thankful. Thanks but no thanks. One life, i need to do something that when i look back at my life, i need to be proud about. It may be experiences, it may be seeing my daughter grow up to be a successful woman.

But I need to do something that i need with my own effort to attain a great thing in life.

Just one is enough. Another 30 years to figure out.

A great revelation from the course that i had attended last week. Just to share.

Getting picked by the boss

It is passive aggressive. It is unpredictable. It is painful especially when you know that you are being judged differently. There is this void that i feel everytime it hits.

But i know, in times if crisis i need to be stronger than before.

I need to stand on guard and fend off any aggressors. I need to retain my position, and do what i must do so that i may empower myself.

And if in the slightest moment, i show the sign of fear on my face. I am finish.

Retain, regain and revitalise the energy to take control and do better in what i have been doing.

Focus… Faith….. Freedom

Entry #4: Competition & Politics

Competition is just and fair. Nahs… we all know that competition is dirty. So how to beat the competition? How to not let it affect you? My secret?

Well at least i try to be… do something that i like, something ground breaking and difficult, something that will blow the mind of the judges and my peers. Put forth a stunning solution that will rock the boat and show one’s competence. If the effect doesnt have the correct impact. I will just get up and try again.

I have a boss who has informed me that he will not see through my progression and development. Sad to say this boss of mine has shrug off all responsibility towards overseeing my growth and development for the next few years. Precious time of my life down the drain. Another segment of my 20 over something years going to waste. With this all going on, if I dont do anything about it, will become 30 years. And i will be left blaming on everyone. And in rocky’s

The boss claims that he holds an appointment no longer than X number of years. So it is good bye before he can see me reach the peak of my competency/ career.

Sounds familiar? I used to feel victimised. I couldn’t accept this fact. I wouldn’t know how to circumvent this situation. It is bothering me. It is giving me sleepless nights and my well being is affected.

Others are better

My dad has a peculiar preference in the manner on how he treats his own family. Others are indeed better.

His siblings are more important than his own immediate family, the guy who drove the taxi was more correct than i was. (I was alleged to have slammed his car door and he got out of his taxi, started yelling. My dad just told me to apologize but i remained firm and refused to do so as i claimed innocence.)

Somehow i dont really quite understand the rational behind his believes and why he would think this way.

Yes it frustrates and annoys me. Till today he does the same thing to my mother. Now that i have moved out of the house as i have my own place, he continues to bully my mother. My mother is prone to fall ill as she is a cancer survivor. And so she was under the weather the last few days. Nonetheless, under the request from his beloved sister, my mother was told to cook up a feast on her behalf for this Saturday’s prayers. And they are to deliver the food items to her on Sunday. It sickens me that my mother who is not all feeling well is to be exploited this way. And my mother obliges and father allows his sister to abuse her.

I bet that my father will carry his secret with him to the grave and not give me an explaination why he treats us this way.

It does affect me at times. However, i cant change the fact that he is my dad. Like how i cant change my bosses. And so i have to accept my fate. I admit, i dont know the truth and shouldnt try to ask for it as he will not tell me.


More importantly, this is a lesson for me to learn. I am also a father now. I cannot and will not allow my family to be used by others.

I am the guardian of my household. If any stranger chooses to put their hands into ny house and attempts to take control of its affairs, they will have to face my wrath. This is in contrast of how my own dad treats us and i know how detrimental it is when the head of household chooses to back down in times of struggle and need. I cant let this happen to my family.

My daughter and wife needs a father who is loyal and stands firm ready to defend and protect them from any adversity who attempts to disrupt the harmony in my household. In my family, i have the say on how it goes and how it should be especially in terms of safety and providence.

CONFIDENCE IS KEY and i owe it to my loved ones under my care. Of all the 20 over something years, this is a crucial lesson that i have learnt and cannot forget.

May you also find strength for your loved ones.

Entry #3 New Add-ons, welcome friends

Graduation was a short relief. No more school and late nights. However, i am given new tasks today. There is this fear of pain that creeps up onto me.

What if i cant handle it? What if i am tasked to fail? What if i am not been recognised for putting the x amount of effort? Sigh. Wth…

Did i ask for it? Yup! Bring it on!

And so, man up and do the damn work. It may be a uphill climb.. so what? It is more important that i get focused and do even better. At least i get some empowerment. Find a solution and get on with it.


Turning tables

My boss is difficult to handle. Some people say that it is because he doesnt know what he wants. Or even have the morale courage to stand up for his own employees. His team, his people. He was always seen packing left overs from a buffet spread after events. A peculiar behaviour that detest even his own bosses. Until now he doesnt tell us why he does certain things, no one will understand why he does it. Just like my dad who always places his sister first before his own family.

As a leader for so many years, since primary school days, i have always hoped that i have a team who will look out my well being, especially so when my life and their life is at stake. We have no choice but to…

Work as a team.

To stand ready and to resolve any situation and not to place blame on others so easily in the midst of adversity.

Theres something about my father’s generation that appauls me. They are not strong enough to take hits.

Like my bosses and parents who were born between 1958 to 1973, they tend to be more conservative and refuse to take on challenges. And if there is something to blame, they will take it out on someone else like a scape goat.

And so in view that they are expressing themselves in such a manner, i have decided to take the following action.

1. Annoy them. I will just keep doing my best in what i do and to continue even if the thing that i am doing doesnt make sense to them. Anyway my boss will change in due course.

2. Do what i feel is best for myself. The key word is myself. No longer will i be bothered by why my boss packs leftovers from buffets. Instead, it should be coffee shop talk more than anything else.

3. Learn from these lessons and make sure that it doesnt happen to my family.

Wish me the best of luck as these decisions that i make, is a point of no return. Well at least i am willing to accept the fate that i am a no-body in this forsaken land and working as a nobody somehow takes the burden off my shoulder for the need to try too hard, to always make sure that i abide by the cultural rules placed upon me.

Welcome to MY cultural revolution.