More pain more gain

Take the war to where it hurts most.

When fear hits, let it hurt even more.

Through fear and terror.. may one find true strength and courage to go through it all.

The more I am afraid of doing something, the more I would want to do it.

I have gotten someone to be part of my team. Someone who is widely feared by many but may prove useful to the cause of the whole organization.

If i fail because of this person. If the project stops and is unable to proceed forward because of this person. Then somewhere along the line must have gone wrong. It will help us to keep focus to the main objective. It may be tough but it is definitely good.

As the user, her presence adds on great value to the cause. For both at the National level and at my company’s level. So why should I fear her? She is doing a favour for us and for the entire organization.

Although the feedback that i have gotten is negative about her. Although it will be difficult I will need to practice more faith and patience. Lots of it.

This may be a career ending move. I may somehow become enemy number one. I need to see this for myself. That I have tried and in doing so if i fail. Then yes at least i have tried.

Bon voyage my friend and I hope to see you on the other side may it be for the worst or for the best.

Dear God my future is in your hands.

Peace out.

Check in

Time check… it has been a while since my last posting. In this new year post, much have changed. People leaving the organization, changes to leadership, loved ones contracting serious illnesses etc. And it all comes down to one thing, aging… events as the one that i had just pointed are things that are not preventable. We will not know when or where it will happen, but the only thing that we can be certain about, is how do I react towards when it matters.

In this new year, i have challenged myself, when the outlook is bleak, i must find ways to turn things around, either to look for opportunities within the negativity of events or to try to make positivity out of it. These are the principles that i hold myself accountable.

Recently, i was captivated by a book on extreme ownership and it had enlightened me to take up responsibility for any mishaps that had happened to me or the people under me.

I have decided to take up the mettle and not blame it on others for the setbacks. The question that i pose to myself in the event of a problem, “how can i, as a person and leader make things better for my leaders and family.” I shall abide to these principles and will not veer off from it.

Let’s hope that for this new year, though filled with great uncertainties and troubles, will not stop your flame from burning strong.

Instead of being the trouble be the solution instead. – the nomad 15th February 19

MIT

It has been awhile… am going through abit of thinking and reflection first before i continue to write.

Today I managed to sit through a lecture from MIT and it was mind blowing. The way the lecture was delivered by their esteemed professor just increases my interest on the subject.

Maybe i felt that way because I felt priviledged to be part of the top 1% of the world’s brightest and most capable. The lecture was to me, just like any other lecture. The words spoken were easy to absorb and never alien to me. And i pondered…

Why am I not in MIT? The curriculum is like any other schools that i have been to but what was impeccable was the delivery and presentation of the topic. It was the power of communication. Breaking down the most complex of topics into bite size where the common population understands. That’s what makes the difference between an Ivy League university to just any other.

I am ashamed of myself. I am a true believer of communications. No communication, no life and we would have lived in total isolation. The professor had displayed a mastery in delivering a logical and easy to understand lecture which was extracted from the most complex and mind bothering issue of today: computer security and its threats. Alien as it seemed to the industries in 2018, but to this guy, it is like it has always been.

I had witnessed magic and it had given me inspiration to want to be an ala mata of MIT. Now i know why everyone fights just to get themselves into that school. Paying top dollar to witness the delivery of its curriculum. I am not going to touch on its lesson plan in this post but to share the eureka moment that i have encountered today.

Just magnificent. Thanks MIT for sharing a glimpse on what the world’s brightest is going through. And that we are all the same species (there was a point in time that i thought the brightest were aliens and were out of this world).

Thanks for the open source lectures.

Since they are human, do they go through the same pain as us.

Hell ya they do.

Pain is empowerment of oneself to do something and want something.

Cheerios.

Being ashamed

It was just today that i was told that i should be ashamed of myself on how much i am earning today.

At 30, people are earning $15000 a month. What a comparison. It is so easy to entrap myself in thoughts of self pity and perpetual disappointment.

Wow, with $15000 a month, what could i do with it? Buy a nice car, go for nice holidays etc… all the good things in life. Is that what i really want?

A good friend of mine just shared the ikigai ideology on happiness.

Now what i want is, to take care of my family. But it aint easy with a wife who requires the above mentioned. It is hard to always shun away her claims of getting a car and or travelling to nice holidays. I have to always assure her that i am putting all the efforts necessary to get there. Sadly she has her doubts. The requirement she has for me is… to earn more than her. At this point i am only about 1/2 way there in terms of earning power. What happened? I can take a laid back attitude and blame it on my poor decisions or bad luck and poor opportunity.

SO WHAT? WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

If i sit back and drown myself in self pity, i will definitely put myself in a cyclical mode of being a failure.

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A TRUE BLUE FAILURE.

So what now? Focus… focus.. take the clutter out of my life and put forth what i believe will be the goal of my life.

Where are you right now? What are you going to do about it? If you dont do anything about it, you will definitely fail. This is just a temporary setback. It will not define you until you let it.

Stay strong and soldier on. Find ways to look to a solution and never, NEVER, let your situation beat you down into a pulp. Take the hits and keep moving forward.

Believe in yourself. No one else will tell you or convince you of who you are. No one will know you better than yourself. Dont let them put a finger in your face and tell you that you are no good. Tell them that you bloody hell am the best chance of giving this run a good one!

Cheerios and fight on!

Snippets of my life

Just this morning, the wife had made it harder to start the day right. Do i allow her to get into my head and make it bad?

I have a great day ahead of me. I will be collecting my cert and transcript, a system needs my review and i will be getting my crown done (which i have paid much for)

And so not worth it to allow her to affect me. It is a full on day. And so. I take a step back and move away from her toxicity.

Review: what happened.

1. Daughter sees spoilt toy asks for batteries and when told it is spoilt, she throws a fit.

2. Whilst throwing a fit, she hits the maid.

3. Mother in law is coming to pick the daughter up.

In view of pts 1 to 3, the wife is upset and she is taking out on me. Sigh… marriage is. Still there is a limit to the tantrums she throws at me and moving away from her works.

I have accepted that she is my wife and she is entitled to do this to me. Sad but well life is.

Hopefully she feels better at the end of the day. Am looking forward to it.

Hold up a steady state

My wife is is difficult at times. Thats the challenge for someone who has a hard time expressing her feelings. Or is open to sharing her struggle with me. It may be that she does not want to place the burden onto me and that she wants to go through it by herself. The only thing that happens is i become collateral.

If i am going to face the brunt of it, shouldnt i be kept aware of her struggles so that i can be mentally prepared of her emotional and downs? Though unfair, i am not given this benefit. Instead, i have to be on the ready at all times and take on the hits thrown by her.

And sometimes, it hurts real bad.

We will be travelling in the coming week and it always worries me that the wife, says something really insensitive and hurts me real bad. And i can tell you, her comments are really hurtful.

I have been grilled many times and time after time it felt like a badminton racquet taking on the serve and returning it to another, not knowing when will the net on the racquet will break. On so let me be honest. I can still break just when. I am so hoping that she would one day come into realization and have changed for the better.

That day is not today.

And so just like in my previous post, i need to empower myself and to be the one who takes the lead.

If the situation calls for me to get really angry, it is the most important time to remain steady, have an open mind and react in the most ideal state.

At times i do feel that i am an actor. At times i do feel fake but it gains respect. I have to do it nonetheless.

Although i cant determine the results, i need to do my best so that at least i put the effort necessary for a positive outcome.

If no effort is given, it will definitely be a negative outcome.

If i had tried, there is a chance the outcome will be a positive.

Focus.

Fight like a loser

Such an oxymoronic title. Shouldnt be fighting a like a loser would have meant remaining a loser? Well that depends on how you see it. I do have to admit that i am a loser but at least i am still fighting. What am i fighting for?

Fighting for liberation out of this cycle of failure.

Just keep trying and if all goes well, i can somehow smell what it feels like to be no more a loser. I feel empowered with hope everytime i am met with setbacks and challenges, at least i know that i have another day to fight. And i will need to continue to fight as i need to uphold the momentum. It is just like running a marathon.

Even how it hurts or how bad it gets, i need to fight.

Life’s tough and if you think otherwise or if you start to victimised yourself or if you are wondering why others are doing better and comparing yourself, then you are in the midst of allowing life to get back at you. You are allowing life to run you, to control you.

I am guilty of allowing life to hit me at times. But it is not how hard you get hit but how hard you get hit and keep moving forward and how much you can take and keep moving forward. Quote from rocky the movie.

Getting affected by life, friends and family is normal. If you are not and you think you are immune, please get yourself checked out.

Bring alive is not about getting all the best things in life, instead, it should have the following:

1. To feel hurt so that we know what is valuable in life.

2. To be priviledged so that we can empathize with the under privilege.

3. To win so that we know how it feels like to lose.

I had a small quarrel with a colleague recently and i felt that it was good to raise up to the challenge to point out that his personality is destructive to the people around him. His remarks of me not doing my work, was hurtful and uncalled for especially after a long week running events. Inorder to give him a taste of his medicine, i spiked him. We were counselled for our actions but i grew in empathy for him after knowing of his shortcomings.

He is a veteran in the field and i chose to fight back for what i think is uncalled judgement. I felt a need to as i felt that he was out to bully and was not a team player. I had to act.

I had to fight. I had made the decision to confront the allegation. I will need to accept and and bare the consequences that is the result from it. Accept it and move on.

As they always say that i am a fighter.