Imperfect

I am damaged goods. My journey so far has not been smooth sailing.

I landed up in debt so that i can give my family the best.

I failed in my work and am not liked by my bosses.

And because of this, i am where i am right now.

Under paid, under appreciated etc..

I have accepted every little flaw of my silly life.

Does it affect my pride? Does it affect the way i feel about myself? Actually yes…

I feel more empowered to make things right.

If i turn back time, would i do it all over again.

YES!

I pride on the fact that i have always taken the unbeaten path. I did it for a purpose and it wasnt for any of the 7 deadly sins. It was for family.

I am a slow learner so what?

In my last posting i spoke about patience. I had practiced patience during my school days. And i am called to do so yet again. But things are much different. There are bills to be paid, responsibilities to uphold. Not as easy as before.

I took stock of reality and accepted it for what it is. It is only with this awareness that i am able to lunge out forward towards what really matters.

Climbing the corporate ladder doesnt matter anymore. Instead, whats more important is to sustain what interests me and my curiosity of the world.

I am intrigue in people management and the development of technology. Riding on these waves it have brought about meaning in my life. Though frustrating at times, it comes as a package.

I have accepted the flaws to my interests.

With this acceptance, i will do my best to achieve the dream that i so desire.

Eventually it is to bring about a good life for my family. Nothing else matters more importantly than this.

My wife is doing better than me and she is contributing more. I cannot allow her to be the only one fronting this. I need to do my part.

If i am unable to do so now, i better do so in the future. Work hard, learn hard. Do better.

Soldier on!!!

Patience and challenges

What we do today echoes in eternity.

One if my ever favourite phrases from my all time favourite movie the gladiators.

My mentor did tell me once, that i need to be patient for myself to see growth and progress. To date, i still bare that in my mind.

Years later i am told that i need to make preparations. To prepare for the time when i am given the spotlight to excel and to showcase my talent. This is when i do my utmost best.

I may fail, i may excel. Like it or not, it is still a gamble.

There is no way around it. Just to empower myself and believe that at least i have a fighting chance. To have the faith and the grit to believe that everything will turn out well. And if it doesnt, i just to find a way to make it right.

It is a crazy thought and i didn’t think that i will have such madness in me.

I have given up hope on myself. Instead, i choose to believe in the impossible.

Wherever it leads, i give my 101%, and see where i land.

All the best to myself.

Heavy Heart

Heaviness, disappointment and distrust.

It was just yesterday when i shared with my fellow colleagues on the reason to be enthusiastic, to be driven towards a new cause, but was shot down just the day after.

It felt good just yesterday, but yesterday turned out to be a long time ago. It ruined my weekend, it ruined how i felt about myself. Yes, i allowed this soreness to hit me. In rocky’s words “I allowed them to stick their finger in my face and tell me that i am no good”.

I agree that i have not achieved success compared to my compatriots, in fact i am no where near them. I am not a scholar neither am i a person with 30 years of work experience. I hate it when they attempt to shoot me down with alot of concerns. Fear, is not an option for me. If i were to fear in anything that i do, then i will not be able to proceed into this new adventure as it is laid out with lots of traps. Many things could go wrong and my family will sustain collateral damage.

I need to be creative, i need to try and when met with challenges, to face it with the utmost ferocity so that i will not freeze in the moment.

This is war. This is not to be taken lightly unfortunately my colleagues may not see it that way.  They have under estimated the amount of pressure that i have placed upon myself to see towards the success of our project. I am disappointed and am feeling let down. What can i do? Am I being overtly sensitive? I am frustrated with this particular colleague and my boss supports this colleague’s right to be doubting my intend of the question.

I am beginning to distrust my colleagues and that they do not look towards the best for me. I need to empower myself, to protect my interests and to stand firm. Not to allow these persons to ruin my passion. It has been started and i need to see it through.

The ultimatum.

I need to put forth my expectations to my colleagues. It should scare them. And if it doesn’t sit well with them, i need to be ready to pull the plug.  I need to be ready to run alone. I need to increase my value so that they can think twice before they actually try to doubt my intentions again.

All the best dear me.

Shuning responsibilities

Something happened at work today which got me to wonder whether it is all worth it to do the following:

1. Run up and down just to ensure that the guests are given the utmost comfort.

2. Writing up a report to reprimand a young boy on what he should have done.

Whats the point? It would have fallen on deaf ears. And no one is going to do anything about it. Says the sceptical employee.

What do i think?

Well i am happy that i had put up the report so that my days of hard work doesnt go to waste.

The after action review was necessary for me to put across a point that i detest any form of blame pushing and attempts to shun responsibilities. That young boy must have been so scared. Furthermore he was no more than just a mere clark and i, in an instance had slammed him with a penalty.

Sure he was afraid but i hope that got him thinking of taking up the mettle of owning up to his mistakes and instead to remain adamant to what had happened. Down playing the consequences. Not working as a team.

Allrite he deserved it and writing that report gave me some relief. Hey he didnt even refer to my list which i had put in effort to improve and type out.

Hopefully he learns his lesson. Nites.

Irritation

Maybe i am thinking too much or getting ahead too quick. But i have chosen this path and i should accept my fate. If i screw up, so be it. Apologize and move on.

I have no time to cry over spilled milk.

Clean it up and put the bottle back. Everytime when i am met with failure, it hurts my pride and ego. But somehow i have gotten used to it. I have accepted my fate.

My failures, failed PSLE, failed Mother tongue, failed A Maths, failed relationships, failed in my occupation.

FAILURE! FAILURE! I am damaged goods.

People driving big cars. Taking cabs during peak periods. Flying 1st class. Envious? So what?

I am valued at this state, so i should appreciate it and work harder. Admit that i deserved this. I chose this way of life.

If i want a better life, then give it a good fight, try and try and try again. There is a chance that i will be trying for the rest of my entire life.

When it ends. Well at least i can tell Him. I have done my best. You gave me the opportunity and well… at least i can present to you only life experiences and nothing more. My life is filled with it. Just like this journal. Capturing intrinsic parts of my life.

MY LIFE WORK. MY TREASURE. It may not yield me material wealth well but at least it has given me wealth through experiences.

School of hard knocks, is what gives me the goal to wake up everyday.

I want to make mistakes and i want to learn.

MAD MAD MAD! But i like being crazy. It gives me relief.

Cheers to a mad life.

Learning

Education has always been a intriguing thing for me. Especially more so for where i lived.

It is an indicator for the social economic status of oneself. It may somehow determine one’s livelihood. It is so crucial that everyone tries their best to attain good accreditation. Best universities, scholarships etc.

So then how can one put in their very best to change their current situation? If they are deemed not intelligent enough? How does one still continue to strive for greater achievements.

What does achievement mean to you?

Recently i had an interest to learn more about learning. Being in the education system for well over 20 years and comparing my current social status, it tells me that there is a disconnect. Despite me attaining the necessary accreditation, i can still be deemed as a failure. To make matters worst, everyone seems to have the same accreditation regardless of the institution.

I was told just last week that we are reversing back to the old days where everyone who was uneducated, is all back part of the rat race; Degrees are now common fair and no longer a paper where only the ‘smartest are able to attain. With the proliferation of the internet, it just escalates the situation.

Hence with the lack of differentiation in terms of accreditation, how does one become more visible and more credible then the other.

1. Study harder to get better grades?

2. Just accept one’s fate and just ride alone.

3. Look to other options.

Education is a joke after 20 years. Yes this is my life now. Stuck in the middle. 20 over years of hard studying and i end up with a mediocre life. Some people tell me that i should be contented and thankful. Thanks but no thanks. One life, i need to do something that when i look back at my life, i need to be proud about. It may be experiences, it may be seeing my daughter grow up to be a successful woman.

But I need to do something that i need with my own effort to attain a great thing in life.

Just one is enough. Another 30 years to figure out.

A great revelation from the course that i had attended last week. Just to share.

Getting picked by the boss

It is passive aggressive. It is unpredictable. It is painful especially when you know that you are being judged differently. There is this void that i feel everytime it hits.

But i know, in times if crisis i need to be stronger than before.

I need to stand on guard and fend off any aggressors. I need to retain my position, and do what i must do so that i may empower myself.

And if in the slightest moment, i show the sign of fear on my face. I am finish.

Retain, regain and revitalise the energy to take control and do better in what i have been doing.

Focus… Faith….. Freedom