Heavy Heart

Heaviness, disappointment and distrust.

It was just yesterday when i shared with my fellow colleagues on the reason to be enthusiastic, to be driven towards a new cause, but was shot down just the day after.

It felt good just yesterday, but yesterday turned out to be a long time ago. It ruined my weekend, it ruined how i felt about myself. Yes, i allowed this soreness to hit me. In rocky’s words “I allowed them to stick their finger in my face and tell me that i am no good”.

I agree that i have not achieved success compared to my compatriots, in fact i am no where near them. I am not a scholar neither am i a person with 30 years of work experience. I hate it when they attempt to shoot me down with alot of concerns. Fear, is not an option for me. If i were to fear in anything that i do, then i will not be able to proceed into this new adventure as it is laid out with lots of traps. Many things could go wrong and my family will sustain collateral damage.

I need to be creative, i need to try and when met with challenges, to face it with the utmost ferocity so that i will not freeze in the moment.

This is war. This is not to be taken lightly unfortunately my colleagues may not see it that way.  They have under estimated the amount of pressure that i have placed upon myself to see towards the success of our project. I am disappointed and am feeling let down. What can i do? Am I being overtly sensitive? I am frustrated with this particular colleague and my boss supports this colleague’s right to be doubting my intend of the question.

I am beginning to distrust my colleagues and that they do not look towards the best for me. I need to empower myself, to protect my interests and to stand firm. Not to allow these persons to ruin my passion. It has been started and i need to see it through.

The ultimatum.

I need to put forth my expectations to my colleagues. It should scare them. And if it doesn’t sit well with them, i need to be ready to pull the plug.  I need to be ready to run alone. I need to increase my value so that they can think twice before they actually try to doubt my intentions again.

All the best dear me.

Shuning responsibilities

Something happened at work today which got me to wonder whether it is all worth it to do the following:

1. Run up and down just to ensure that the guests are given the utmost comfort.

2. Writing up a report to reprimand a young boy on what he should have done.

Whats the point? It would have fallen on deaf ears. And no one is going to do anything about it. Says the sceptical employee.

What do i think?

Well i am happy that i had put up the report so that my days of hard work doesnt go to waste.

The after action review was necessary for me to put across a point that i detest any form of blame pushing and attempts to shun responsibilities. That young boy must have been so scared. Furthermore he was no more than just a mere clark and i, in an instance had slammed him with a penalty.

Sure he was afraid but i hope that got him thinking of taking up the mettle of owning up to his mistakes and instead to remain adamant to what had happened. Down playing the consequences. Not working as a team.

Allrite he deserved it and writing that report gave me some relief. Hey he didnt even refer to my list which i had put in effort to improve and type out.

Hopefully he learns his lesson. Nites.

Irritation

Maybe i am thinking too much or getting ahead too quick. But i have chosen this path and i should accept my fate. If i screw up, so be it. Apologize and move on.

I have no time to cry over spilled milk.

Clean it up and put the bottle back. Everytime when i am met with failure, it hurts my pride and ego. But somehow i have gotten used to it. I have accepted my fate.

My failures, failed PSLE, failed Mother tongue, failed A Maths, failed relationships, failed in my occupation.

FAILURE! FAILURE! I am damaged goods.

People driving big cars. Taking cabs during peak periods. Flying 1st class. Envious? So what?

I am valued at this state, so i should appreciate it and work harder. Admit that i deserved this. I chose this way of life.

If i want a better life, then give it a good fight, try and try and try again. There is a chance that i will be trying for the rest of my entire life.

When it ends. Well at least i can tell Him. I have done my best. You gave me the opportunity and well… at least i can present to you only life experiences and nothing more. My life is filled with it. Just like this journal. Capturing intrinsic parts of my life.

MY LIFE WORK. MY TREASURE. It may not yield me material wealth well but at least it has given me wealth through experiences.

School of hard knocks, is what gives me the goal to wake up everyday.

I want to make mistakes and i want to learn.

MAD MAD MAD! But i like being crazy. It gives me relief.

Cheers to a mad life.

Learning

Education has always been a intriguing thing for me. Especially more so for where i lived.

It is an indicator for the social economic status of oneself. It may somehow determine one’s livelihood. It is so crucial that everyone tries their best to attain good accreditation. Best universities, scholarships etc.

So then how can one put in their very best to change their current situation? If they are deemed not intelligent enough? How does one still continue to strive for greater achievements.

What does achievement mean to you?

Recently i had an interest to learn more about learning. Being in the education system for well over 20 years and comparing my current social status, it tells me that there is a disconnect. Despite me attaining the necessary accreditation, i can still be deemed as a failure. To make matters worst, everyone seems to have the same accreditation regardless of the institution.

I was told just last week that we are reversing back to the old days where everyone who was uneducated, is all back part of the rat race; Degrees are now common fair and no longer a paper where only the ‘smartest are able to attain. With the proliferation of the internet, it just escalates the situation.

Hence with the lack of differentiation in terms of accreditation, how does one become more visible and more credible then the other.

1. Study harder to get better grades?

2. Just accept one’s fate and just ride alone.

3. Look to other options.

Education is a joke after 20 years. Yes this is my life now. Stuck in the middle. 20 over years of hard studying and i end up with a mediocre life. Some people tell me that i should be contented and thankful. Thanks but no thanks. One life, i need to do something that when i look back at my life, i need to be proud about. It may be experiences, it may be seeing my daughter grow up to be a successful woman.

But I need to do something that i need with my own effort to attain a great thing in life.

Just one is enough. Another 30 years to figure out.

A great revelation from the course that i had attended last week. Just to share.

Getting picked by the boss

It is passive aggressive. It is unpredictable. It is painful especially when you know that you are being judged differently. There is this void that i feel everytime it hits.

But i know, in times if crisis i need to be stronger than before.

I need to stand on guard and fend off any aggressors. I need to retain my position, and do what i must do so that i may empower myself.

And if in the slightest moment, i show the sign of fear on my face. I am finish.

Retain, regain and revitalise the energy to take control and do better in what i have been doing.

Focus… Faith….. Freedom

Entry #4: Competition & Politics

Competition is just and fair. Nahs… we all know that competition is dirty. So how to beat the competition? How to not let it affect you? My secret?

Well at least i try to be… do something that i like, something ground breaking and difficult, something that will blow the mind of the judges and my peers. Put forth a stunning solution that will rock the boat and show one’s competence. If the effect doesnt have the correct impact. I will just get up and try again.

I have a boss who has informed me that he will not see through my progression and development. Sad to say this boss of mine has shrug off all responsibility towards overseeing my growth and development for the next few years. Precious time of my life down the drain. Another segment of my 20 over something years going to waste. With this all going on, if I dont do anything about it, will become 30 years. And i will be left blaming on everyone. And in rocky’s

The boss claims that he holds an appointment no longer than X number of years. So it is good bye before he can see me reach the peak of my competency/ career.

Sounds familiar? I used to feel victimised. I couldn’t accept this fact. I wouldn’t know how to circumvent this situation. It is bothering me. It is giving me sleepless nights and my well being is affected.

Others are better

My dad has a peculiar preference in the manner on how he treats his own family. Others are indeed better.

His siblings are more important than his own immediate family, the guy who drove the taxi was more correct than i was. (I was alleged to have slammed his car door and he got out of his taxi, started yelling. My dad just told me to apologize but i remained firm and refused to do so as i claimed innocence.)

Somehow i dont really quite understand the rational behind his believes and why he would think this way.

Yes it frustrates and annoys me. Till today he does the same thing to my mother. Now that i have moved out of the house as i have my own place, he continues to bully my mother. My mother is prone to fall ill as she is a cancer survivor. And so she was under the weather the last few days. Nonetheless, under the request from his beloved sister, my mother was told to cook up a feast on her behalf for this Saturday’s prayers. And they are to deliver the food items to her on Sunday. It sickens me that my mother who is not all feeling well is to be exploited this way. And my mother obliges and father allows his sister to abuse her.

I bet that my father will carry his secret with him to the grave and not give me an explaination why he treats us this way.

It does affect me at times. However, i cant change the fact that he is my dad. Like how i cant change my bosses. And so i have to accept my fate. I admit, i dont know the truth and shouldnt try to ask for it as he will not tell me.

And SO BE IT.

More importantly, this is a lesson for me to learn. I am also a father now. I cannot and will not allow my family to be used by others.

I am the guardian of my household. If any stranger chooses to put their hands into ny house and attempts to take control of its affairs, they will have to face my wrath. This is in contrast of how my own dad treats us and i know how detrimental it is when the head of household chooses to back down in times of struggle and need. I cant let this happen to my family.

My daughter and wife needs a father who is loyal and stands firm ready to defend and protect them from any adversity who attempts to disrupt the harmony in my household. In my family, i have the say on how it goes and how it should be especially in terms of safety and providence.

CONFIDENCE IS KEY and i owe it to my loved ones under my care. Of all the 20 over something years, this is a crucial lesson that i have learnt and cannot forget.

May you also find strength for your loved ones.