Fight or flight? Pain and its other accompanying list of negative emotions commenced its campaign against me. Emotional soreness overwhelmed me. I should have ended it all. The world doesn’t see my worth and i am of no value to any of the organizations listed in my country. An alien to my own country. Yes that’s right.
End It All Reason 1: I am of No Value.
Rock bottom. Stuck in the cycle of pain.
I lived in a country where meritocracy is highly prized and regarded. And so, i have worked hard to get grades enough to earn myself a seat at one of the prestigious local universities. I didn’t try to apply for a scholarship. I didn’t work hard enough to attain a 1st class honors. I wanted to be an airline pilot and had pinned all my chances on it. Unfortunately none of this came true. I thought that i could nail any interview, my over confidence led to my down fall.
Here i am stuck with a 3rd class degree. Ironically, my 1st job after graduation was working in the government sector. In my naiveté, I was surprised when scholars and their fellow 1st class compatriots were given priority to upgrade and be visible towards their bosses. An important avenue for promotion and progression. Their path has been laid out on a red carpet. They were guaranteed to success or how the society sees it. This is the meritocracy, that everyone has been talking about. With my paper qualification, i would have been naturally left out. In India, there is the caste system, in my own country there is the paper qualification system.
If at the onset, i was deemed to be not bright enough, i would have accepted my fate and looked towards new horizons. I should have enjoyed my youth and not to commit hours and days just to pass that damn paper. I could have enjoyed my youth much more, such as travelling around the world during the term break or just to party a little bit harder.
End It All Reason 2: Could haves, should haves and deemed not bright enough.
I took comfort in blaming everyone except myself. My parents were the greatest criminals, they were the ones who knew me best. They would have known, if they had known, how could they have left me in this state. I felt betrayed, lost and confused. There is nothing for me to look forward to anymore.
End It All Reason 3: I have been betrayed by my close ones for my failure.
I had multiple different jobs. I found all of them to be a waste of time and of my efforts. To make matters worst, there was no progression. I am left with 24 years before i retire. Majority of my life was spent on useless education and thousands of dollars down the drain for a meaningless skill that i had ‘learnt’. There is no way that my parents could have gotten any form of ‘Return Of Investment’ from the amount of monies spent on me and my education. I am in a mess.
GAME OVER. Burnt and mind f**ked.
DISCLAIMER: My blog is not meant for the faint-hearted. I am going to be brutally honest and direct. There will be no attempt to beat around the bush. I am going to save you time so that you can be on your way towards doing better things with your life.
Next Up….. The Ideal State or what it seems.