Being ashamed

It was just today that i was told that i should be ashamed of myself on how much i am earning today.

At 30, people are earning $15000 a month. What a comparison. It is so easy to entrap myself in thoughts of self pity and perpetual disappointment.

Wow, with $15000 a month, what could i do with it? Buy a nice car, go for nice holidays etc… all the good things in life. Is that what i really want?

A good friend of mine just shared the ikigai ideology on happiness.

Now what i want is, to take care of my family. But it aint easy with a wife who requires the above mentioned. It is hard to always shun away her claims of getting a car and or travelling to nice holidays. I have to always assure her that i am putting all the efforts necessary to get there. Sadly she has her doubts. The requirement she has for me is… to earn more than her. At this point i am only about 1/2 way there in terms of earning power. What happened? I can take a laid back attitude and blame it on my poor decisions or bad luck and poor opportunity.

SO WHAT? WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

If i sit back and drown myself in self pity, i will definitely put myself in a cyclical mode of being a failure.

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A TRUE BLUE FAILURE.

So what now? Focus… focus.. take the clutter out of my life and put forth what i believe will be the goal of my life.

Where are you right now? What are you going to do about it? If you dont do anything about it, you will definitely fail. This is just a temporary setback. It will not define you until you let it.

Stay strong and soldier on. Find ways to look to a solution and never, NEVER, let your situation beat you down into a pulp. Take the hits and keep moving forward.

Believe in yourself. No one else will tell you or convince you of who you are. No one will know you better than yourself. Dont let them put a finger in your face and tell you that you are no good. Tell them that you bloody hell am the best chance of giving this run a good one!

Cheerios and fight on!

Snippets of my life

Just this morning, the wife had made it harder to start the day right. Do i allow her to get into my head and make it bad?

I have a great day ahead of me. I will be collecting my cert and transcript, a system needs my review and i will be getting my crown done (which i have paid much for)

And so not worth it to allow her to affect me. It is a full on day. And so. I take a step back and move away from her toxicity.

Review: what happened.

1. Daughter sees spoilt toy asks for batteries and when told it is spoilt, she throws a fit.

2. Whilst throwing a fit, she hits the maid.

3. Mother in law is coming to pick the daughter up.

In view of pts 1 to 3, the wife is upset and she is taking out on me. Sigh… marriage is. Still there is a limit to the tantrums she throws at me and moving away from her works.

I have accepted that she is my wife and she is entitled to do this to me. Sad but well life is.

Hopefully she feels better at the end of the day. Am looking forward to it.

Hold up a steady state

My wife is is difficult at times. Thats the challenge for someone who has a hard time expressing her feelings. Or is open to sharing her struggle with me. It may be that she does not want to place the burden onto me and that she wants to go through it by herself. The only thing that happens is i become collateral.

If i am going to face the brunt of it, shouldnt i be kept aware of her struggles so that i can be mentally prepared of her emotional and downs? Though unfair, i am not given this benefit. Instead, i have to be on the ready at all times and take on the hits thrown by her.

And sometimes, it hurts real bad.

We will be travelling in the coming week and it always worries me that the wife, says something really insensitive and hurts me real bad. And i can tell you, her comments are really hurtful.

I have been grilled many times and time after time it felt like a badminton racquet taking on the serve and returning it to another, not knowing when will the net on the racquet will break. On so let me be honest. I can still break just when. I am so hoping that she would one day come into realization and have changed for the better.

That day is not today.

And so just like in my previous post, i need to empower myself and to be the one who takes the lead.

If the situation calls for me to get really angry, it is the most important time to remain steady, have an open mind and react in the most ideal state.

At times i do feel that i am an actor. At times i do feel fake but it gains respect. I have to do it nonetheless.

Although i cant determine the results, i need to do my best so that at least i put the effort necessary for a positive outcome.

If no effort is given, it will definitely be a negative outcome.

If i had tried, there is a chance the outcome will be a positive.

Focus.

Fight like a loser

Such an oxymoronic title. Shouldnt be fighting a like a loser would have meant remaining a loser? Well that depends on how you see it. I do have to admit that i am a loser but at least i am still fighting. What am i fighting for?

Fighting for liberation out of this cycle of failure.

Just keep trying and if all goes well, i can somehow smell what it feels like to be no more a loser. I feel empowered with hope everytime i am met with setbacks and challenges, at least i know that i have another day to fight. And i will need to continue to fight as i need to uphold the momentum. It is just like running a marathon.

Even how it hurts or how bad it gets, i need to fight.

Life’s tough and if you think otherwise or if you start to victimised yourself or if you are wondering why others are doing better and comparing yourself, then you are in the midst of allowing life to get back at you. You are allowing life to run you, to control you.

I am guilty of allowing life to hit me at times. But it is not how hard you get hit but how hard you get hit and keep moving forward and how much you can take and keep moving forward. Quote from rocky the movie.

Getting affected by life, friends and family is normal. If you are not and you think you are immune, please get yourself checked out.

Bring alive is not about getting all the best things in life, instead, it should have the following:

1. To feel hurt so that we know what is valuable in life.

2. To be priviledged so that we can empathize with the under privilege.

3. To win so that we know how it feels like to lose.

I had a small quarrel with a colleague recently and i felt that it was good to raise up to the challenge to point out that his personality is destructive to the people around him. His remarks of me not doing my work, was hurtful and uncalled for especially after a long week running events. Inorder to give him a taste of his medicine, i spiked him. We were counselled for our actions but i grew in empathy for him after knowing of his shortcomings.

He is a veteran in the field and i chose to fight back for what i think is uncalled judgement. I felt a need to as i felt that he was out to bully and was not a team player. I had to act.

I had to fight. I had made the decision to confront the allegation. I will need to accept and and bare the consequences that is the result from it. Accept it and move on.

As they always say that i am a fighter.

Life’s tough

It is bad, it is filled with pain, it is miserable. If you let it get to you, you are finished.

Gone. Hopeless. Just as good as dead. Life’s bleak.

The only way is to accept it. No way around it. No matter how hard one tries to avoid it, it just gets back at you.

So how?

Tempted to cry and blame it on my parents for bringing me into this sick world of suffering. Maybe there is a parallel dimension that lives happier people. Maybe Amsterdam? Finland? The world’s most liveable cities?

Snap out of it. The people in those places are miserable too, it is just that they dont show it.

The remedy? A radical solution is required. Believe in misery, rejection and lost. Need them. In fact run towards them. Look to them for the answers that we so desire.

We need misery to appreciate thr goodness in life.

We need rejection to know what matters most.

We need lost to know what is important.

So why fear them?

We need challenges to grow, to be better in what we do.

When i started this blog, i wanted to share with you, my readers, all the small nuggets of eureka moments that i had learnt through trying times.

And if you are suffering right now, please be thankful for the opportunity presented to you to under go the suffering. It means to say that you are alive. Maybe pinch yourself alittle; but dont make your skin into a bruise.

Do you feel anything? If you do, that means you are human. If not, please get it checked out cos you are a walking dead.

Suffering is not a negative connotation of your situation, instead it is the only way that we are able to differentiate ourselves from animals.

Like it or not we are here to suffer.

Misery is a gift.

Imperfect

I am damaged goods. My journey so far has not been smooth sailing.

I landed up in debt so that i can give my family the best.

I failed in my work and am not liked by my bosses.

And because of this, i am where i am right now.

Under paid, under appreciated etc..

I have accepted every little flaw of my silly life.

Does it affect my pride? Does it affect the way i feel about myself? Actually yes…

I feel more empowered to make things right.

If i turn back time, would i do it all over again.

YES!

I pride on the fact that i have always taken the unbeaten path. I did it for a purpose and it wasnt for any of the 7 deadly sins. It was for family.

I am a slow learner so what?

In my last posting i spoke about patience. I had practiced patience during my school days. And i am called to do so yet again. But things are much different. There are bills to be paid, responsibilities to uphold. Not as easy as before.

I took stock of reality and accepted it for what it is. It is only with this awareness that i am able to lunge out forward towards what really matters.

Climbing the corporate ladder doesnt matter anymore. Instead, whats more important is to sustain what interests me and my curiosity of the world.

I am intrigue in people management and the development of technology. Riding on these waves it have brought about meaning in my life. Though frustrating at times, it comes as a package.

I have accepted the flaws to my interests.

With this acceptance, i will do my best to achieve the dream that i so desire.

Eventually it is to bring about a good life for my family. Nothing else matters more importantly than this.

My wife is doing better than me and she is contributing more. I cannot allow her to be the only one fronting this. I need to do my part.

If i am unable to do so now, i better do so in the future. Work hard, learn hard. Do better.

Soldier on!!!

Patience and challenges

What we do today echoes in eternity.

One if my ever favourite phrases from my all time favourite movie the gladiators.

My mentor did tell me once, that i need to be patient for myself to see growth and progress. To date, i still bare that in my mind.

Years later i am told that i need to make preparations. To prepare for the time when i am given the spotlight to excel and to showcase my talent. This is when i do my utmost best.

I may fail, i may excel. Like it or not, it is still a gamble.

There is no way around it. Just to empower myself and believe that at least i have a fighting chance. To have the faith and the grit to believe that everything will turn out well. And if it doesnt, i just to find a way to make it right.

It is a crazy thought and i didn’t think that i will have such madness in me.

I have given up hope on myself. Instead, i choose to believe in the impossible.

Wherever it leads, i give my 101%, and see where i land.

All the best to myself.